The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup
by beata-beatrix
Summary: Utena and the gang are given a heroic and sacred quest. God knows why.... As you may have guessed, this is a parody of Monty Python's Holy Grail. YES CHAPTER 4 IS UP!
1. The Duellists of Student Council

Intro (or what comes before chapter 1)

beata-beatrix: Well,well, my first utena fic.

Utena:It's about time!

beata-beatrix: Yes well,I've been busy Anyway this is a random insert fic—

Kozue: Really?! I can't wait!I've always wanted to be a random insert!

beata-beatrix: NO!no noA "random insert fic" is a fic in which you take a storyline and screw it up by randomly inserting parodies from a variety of sources.

Kozue: Oh

Nanami: That sounds interesting

beata-beatrix: Yes, but it's time for chapter one now

****

The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup!

Part 1: The Duellists of Student Council

It was a normal day at Ohtori, which means that everywhere else they would have considered it abnormal. The Student Council was riding up the convenient little elevator that they are given. Touga begins to recite his 1-minute speech about baby chickens and the utter purpose of the entire series.

Touga: If the chick does not break free of its egg..

beata-beatrix:The bird fights its way out of the egg..

Nanami: Are you mocking my big brother?!

Miki: No, she's Hesse-ing him

Nanami: *blink*

Miki: She taking her god-forsaken time to show everyone the parallels between _Demian_ and Utena

Touga: It will die without being born.We are the chick,the world's our egg. If we do not break free of the world,we also die w/o being born.Break the egg of the World!For the Revolution of the World!

beata-beatrix:We are the bird,the world is the egg.He who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to god, the god's name is Abraxas!

Carlos Santana: Smooth_Very_ smooth..

Juri: How'd he get here?

beata-beatrix: *cough*random insert

Juri: Aaaaooohhh.okay.

The sounds of Spanish jazz begin to fill the room.Suddenly

beata-beatrix: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!It's Pablo!It's Pablo! It's him!He wants my mind!My precious mind!

Everyone: SHUTTUP.

Carlos: Who is this "Pablo"?

beata-beatrix: Herminewhy'd she hafta die! Oh, poor hermine!

Saionji:She's referring to the fact that your music reminds her of pablo, a character from _Steppenwolf_

Mikage:Akio!Akio and Pablo are one in the same!

beata-beatrix: Sorry Carlos..didn't recognize your melody

Touga: Shall we get on with the meeting?

They enter the council room only to find that Utena is already there with Anthy, waiting for them.Everyone just blinks as they are handed notes, apparently from world's end.

Utena: Don't punish the messenger.My note came with all of yours

Juri: "I am giving you a quest?" What the hell?!

Miki: "I need you to find the shining thing, that which is eternal—"

Everyone: THE HOLY SAKE CUP?!

Saionji:This is ridiculous!

Nanami: Yeah, we're not old enough for sake!

Everyone turns to nanami

Juri: Meaning that we can commit illegal actions such as incest, under-age driving, and school violence as long as we don't drink?

Nanami:Oh..point taken.

Touga: I say we skip all this and go to the world which we desire!

beata-beatrix:Wait, don't-!

Immediately a red sports car crashes through the meeting room as everyone shirts fly open in the breeze.After buttoning their shirts, everyone slaps Touga.

Touga: Oh, sorry, I forgot about the aftermath of that particular phraseAnyway, let's all go to the Parking Lot!

Juri: Parking Lot?

beata-beatrix: Parking Lot?

Touga: Duellists,onward to Parking Lot!

Everyone *sing*

We're Duellists of Student Council,

We dance when'er we're able,

We do duel scenes while the chorus sings,

With footwork impeccable!

Akio likes his parking lot,

And drives us all mad there a lot!

Everyone proceeds to do the can-can. Anthy kicks Saionji in the face.

Saionji: Oww!

We're duellists of student council,

Our arena is im-poss-able!

We pull swords out of Anthy's chest,

That's really quite do-able!

We ride Akio cars a lot,

Through the ohtori parking lot!

Anthy: *clap clap clap*

Everyone taps dances while Utena beats on saionji's head with a frying pan for no apparent reason.

In duels we're tough and able!

Wearing our cool rose label!

Dr.Jekyl/Mr.Hyde: I went mad, and ate a lad, then killed my girlfriend Mabel!

beata-beatrix:just to make it rhyme

It's a busy little parking lot!

Saionji: I get beat by that bitch a lot----!

Music ends, everyone poses in front of touga's camera.

Touga:*clicks shutter* On second thought, let's not go to the parking lotIt is a silly place

Everyone nods in agreement, as they start on their quest


	2. The Quest Begins And Sanity Ends

The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup!

Part 2: The Quest Begins (And Sanity Ends)

Now, for some unknown and odd reason, the Duellists are now out of Ohtori,and with Touga flirting with everything remotely female in the car (BTW-That would be everything..), Juri has driven the car into the desert...when she suddenly pulls over and stops with a sputter...

Touga:Hey!I know,let's play spot that cactus! There's a cactus, There's a cactus, There's a cactus, There's a cactus, There's a cactus, There's a cactus----!

Everyone: SHUTTUP TOUGA!

Nanami: Juri, where exactly are we now?

Juri: I'd say we're lost somewhere in the sands of time...

beata-beatrix: Can we cut the dumb philosophy and get straight to the point?

Juri: We're stuck in the desert with no gasoline.And what's more-we're lost.

Saionji: That's where we usually are anyway, mind-wise...

Touga:There's a cactus, there's another! That cactus looks like the one from the one episode where Akio had the funny looking cactus out and was telling me about my feelings for Ute---!

Everyone: TOUGA!

Touga: Sorry. So where are we going to find a ride through the desert?

Suddenly Juri extends a finger *not that one, you silly people!* towards something in the distance...

Juri: Camelot!

beata-beatrix: Camelot!

Miki: Camelot!

Utena: Didn't we just do this scene?

Nanami: No,Utena, look ! *points*

Far in the distance there is a caravan and some tents a large open area with camels roaming about. Above is a sign which reads "Discount Camel Rental *and Fertilizer*"...

Utena: Oh...a Camel lot.

Anthy: Let's go Lady Utena!

They head over to the camelot, and Utena waves the camel herder over to them.

Camel Herder: Yes?

Utena: Honorable camel-herder...person...what is thy name?

Camel Herder: Call me...Ishmail..

Utena: Okay...Ishmail... We are duellists from Ohtori Academy sent on a quest. If you assist us in our quest by providing us with camels, then we won't have to hurt you.

Ishmail: We've had this sort of thing happen before..

Anthy: Really?

Ishmail: Yeah, it was weird. Some guy from Indiana or something was looking for this arch...

Miki: You mean ark,right?

Ishmail: Maybe...Anyway, I don't really have any camels I can lend you, but I do have something just as useful...

Ishmail runs into the tent and brings out a bag filled with coconut halves...

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Now out of the desert thanks to Ishmail's pioneering efforts in the field of coconut usage and thanks to Anthy's repetitive banging--

Anthy: This is fun!

--together of coconut halves, the duellists find themselves advancing silently, silently over the green valleys. There they decide to split up..

Touga: Let's split up.

Everyone: Okay.

And they went on their way. They were: *cough-in spiffy narrator voice-cough*

Utena- The Engaged

Anthy- The Coconut Banger

Touga- The Brave (and Dense)

Miki- The Pure (as if that was a surprise..)

Juri- The Wise (and Attracted to Women)

Nanami-Also a Coconut Banger

Saionji- The Not-Quite-so-Brave-as-Touga (who nearly defeated utena, who nearly defeated utena again)

Wakaba-Saionji's Minstrel

And other random coconut bangers...

And now on with the Quest for the Holy Sake Cup!...


	3. Brave Brave Saionji

The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup

Part 3-Brave,Brave Saionji

-----

So each of the duellists set out on their quests,each going their seperate ways. Saionji traveled through the forest ( which incidently led him to the back of the school) accompagnied by his favorite (and not so favorite) Minstrel, Wakaba Shinohara.

Wakaba:*sing* 

Bravely bold Saionji

Rode forth from Ohtori

He was not afraid to die,

Oh! MY Saionji!

Saionji: Uhhh...

Wakaba: *continues*

He was not in the least bit scared 

to be killed in nasty ways

Brave Brave Brave

Brave Saionji!

He was not in the least bit scared 

to get his rose immediately sliced off

Or to get beat by Utena 5 times

and constantly keep losing!

Saionji: *stare* Wakaba...

Wakaba: *continues*

To be expelled from school

and lose his GPA,

and have to beg to Mikage,

Brave Saionji...

His head up his butt,

and his heart gone cold,

and his shame removed

And his dignity gone,

and his girlfriend raped,

and his speeches cut off

and his pe---

Saionji: Wakaba! STOP!That's...a bit too much music for now...

Wakaba: *peeve*

Suddenly,and albeit randomly, three boys approach them, armed with assault rifles.

Saionji: What the heck?!

Suzuki:Who art thou?

Yamada:Who art thou?

Tanaka:Who art thou?

Three Boys: WHO ART THOU?!

Before Saionji can speak:

Wakaba *sings*: He is brave Saionji--

Saionji: *cuts her off* What buisiness is it to you?

Three Boys: WE MUST KNOW WHY YOU COME!

Wakaba:To fight and los---

Saionji: WAKABA! I come to fetch the holy sake cup. My name is Saionji.

Suzuki: In that case..

Yamada: We will..

Tanaka: Have to..

Three Boys: KILL YOU!

Saionji: What?!

Wakaba: He is not afraidto die--for me--oh,brave Saionji!

Saionji: *idea*Very well, but first I ask that you--oh my god,is the Touga making out with Juri in a secret outburst of full-on passion?!

--FLASHBACK--

Juri: Touga!What the hell are you doing!That's my special manga!

Touga: Is it ever!And look at this great shot of you and me!

Juri: You just DREW that!*grab*

Touga: Wait!I messed up one of your breasts!

Juri: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!

*brawl*

--END--

Three Boys: *look*

Saionji and Wakaba: *run*

---Nearing the end of the forest---

Wakaba: *sings disdainfully*

Brave Saionji ran away!

Saionji: No!

Wakaba:*sings*

Bravely ran away away!

Oh brave Saionji!

Saionji:I didn't!

Wakaba: *continues*

When danger reared its three heads

Saionji turned his tail and fled,

Yes, those in sync 3 scared the crap

out of Saionji, that gallant chap,

Bravely taking to his feet,

He fled before hi could be beat!

Bravest of the BRAVE Saionji!

Saionji: I never did! *cries*


	4. The Castle Mononucleosis

The Quest for the Holy Sake Cup

Part 3-The Castle Mononucleosis

-----

As the cold, dark night's rain ushered out from the sky---

Usher: It's gettin wet in here, so take off all your clothes---

cough

As I said, it was raining very hard. Sir Miki had mysteriously lost his coconut banger and was at the moment huddled under a tree branch with a few giant, mysteriously warm and soft rocks. Suddenly one of them moved.

Miki: Aaa---mmm

The hand reaches out to cover his mouth before he can say any more. Miki tones it down to a low whisper.

Miki: Who are you guys!

Merry: We're hobbits.

Pip: We're hiding from something, but I'm not sure what.

Miki turns to a fatter, more robust hobbit.

Sam: We're hiding from this thing with long black stuff covering its face...

Frodo: It must have something to do with the "Ring"..

Suddenly a little girl grabs Miki with her hand, her black hair falling in front of her face.

Miki: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Suddenly the girl "fooshes" back her hair and begins to speak.

Samara: Where the fk is my one Ring! I paid a lot of money for that to be inscribed! I just spent SEVEN DAYS in a well just trying to find the s-o-b! I had to make a video tape advertisement and make all these calls and it turns out that YOU freakin took it!

Miki: clutches his rose signet in fear. eep.

Frodo: holds up the Ring

Samara: WTF?

Frodo: INSPECTO PETROLEUM!

the Ring: emits a huge ray of light and ricochets into a well, conveniently placed nearby

Samara: Oh $#&! jumps into the well to get it MMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY PRECCCIIIIOOOOOUUUSSSSSS! Looks like Samara's blasting off again! ping

Miki: jumps up and puts cover over the well

Frodo: to the others Well, glad that's over..Hey guys, let's all have a barbeque!

Others sans Miki: Okay!

As the others run off into the distance, Miki sees a strange beacon in the distance. Well, the other distance, that is.

Miki: That's--that's it! The holy sake cup! runs to the castle doors

Miki: rings the doorbell, whose ringtone sounds mysteriously like the themesong to Evangelion What the---aaah!

Suddenly, an intercom goes off.

Intercom: wel--to--fish--gay...

Miki: Eh?

Intercom: Ca--u-ear-ee-ow?

Miki: I can't hear you...

Intercom: How bout now?

Miki: Yes.

Intercom: Good. Welcome to this estate, please enjoy your stay.

Miki: hesitantly Okay...

The doors open and inside are many girls in white robes dancing, giggling,jumping rope, playing with one another's hair and having pillow fights. A lovely short-purple-haired girl with a long veil steps up to greet him.

Girl: Welcome, Sir Knight. I am Zokue, and welcome to the Castle Mononucleosis!

Miki: The Castle MONONUCLEOSIS!

Zokue: I know, it's not a very nice name is it? Oh, but we are nice! But look at you! Look, girls, the poor dear is cold and wet and hungry!

Miki: Well, actually, I--

Zokue: We must take him to the _special_ room to see the doctors!

Miki: The "special" room--Wait--hey!

A large brothel of girls carry him up the stair to a large room with a bed and three girls in VERY skimpy nurse outfits. Miki sits down on the bed.

Miki: nosebleed Hellooooooooooo Nurse!

Nurse 1: Hello, Sir! You look wet and dirty...

Miki: Eeeehhhh...

Nurse 2: Let's take off these wet clothes and give you a nice spongebath!

Miki: OHMIGOD! That's really not--aahh! Not there!Please--

A young, sultry, blue-haired girl walks in the room.

Girl: What is going on here---miki!

Miki: squints Zokue?

Kozue: No you idiot! It's your twin sister, Kozue! What are you doing here!

Miki: I saw a sake cup over your castle and am looking for the holy sake cup, so...

Kozue: Oh! Wicked Zokue! She must have been setting light to our beacon, which I just remembered is sake cup-shaped. Oooohhh! Naughty Zokue!

Miki: gets up off bed, trying to salvage his disheveled garments So, it's not here then?

Kozue: I'm afraid not..Oh! You must punish Zokue--all of us need a good spanking!

Miki, who is now surrounded by at least half of the brothel, answers shakingly..

Miki: shakingly Spanking, umm...

Kozue: Yes! And after the spanking, the oral sex!

Random Spanish sex music plays in the background..

Girl: DAME MAS GASOLINAS!

beata-beatrix: randomly inserts herself I need to choose friends with different musical interests...runs off to die

Girl: DURO,PAPI, DURO!

Miki: smirk Well, I guess I could stay just a _little_ while longer...

Suddenly, Sir Touga breaks into the room and grabs Miki.

Miki: Wait! No! What the fk are you doing!

Touga: You're in great peril!

Miki: No! Peril is good! A duelist needs a good dose of peril!

Touga: We're leaving!

Miki: I bet you're gay,aren't you!

Touga: glaringly Will you shuttup, bitch!

Miki: turns to audience and sweatdrops Peril! Yo quiero peril!


End file.
